Fractured Heart Read online

  "All right. Let's go see Santa." Cole took her hand and they began running toward the display, Kaity laughing and Cole trying to dodge people with their arms filled with bags and boxes.

  As they got in line, Cole noticed other parents scrutinizing him and pulling their children closer as though he would harm them in some fashion. He chuckled as a few children squirmed away from their protectors to move closer to view the images on his arms. His heart warmed when Kaity grabbed his hand proudly as though proclaiming to everyone around 'Yes, this is my daddy and I love him.'

  "Do you know what you're gonna ask Santa for?"

  She raised her eyes to him and nodded slowly. Cole could see a hint of melancholy cross over her face briefly until the line crept forward. The sadness disappeared in an instant and was replaced with the anticipation that only a visit with Santa could provide.

  "Daddy?"

  "Hmm?"

  "What should we get Kerry for Christmas?"

  Cole thought for a moment. "I don't know. What do you think he'd like—besides your shoelaces?"

  Kaity giggled. "Can we maybe get him a sweater?"

  Cole scrunched up his nose and shook his head. "I'm not sure Kerouac would like a sweater. He might chew it to shreds. How about a new collar and some doggie treats?"

  Kaity contemplated the gift ideas. "Maybe. But I still think we should get him a sweater. It gets cold at Gramma and Grampa's cabin."

  Cole nodded as they shuffled forward again. "You're right. We'll see if we can find him a sweater. If he chews it up, I won't say I told you so."

  Kaity wrapped her arms around his thigh and squeezed tightly. "Thank you, Daddy."

  Cole nodded. "Well, that takes care of Kerouac. What do you want for Christmas?"

  She gave him a look that he knew had something hiding behind it and shook her head. "I'm not telling until I get to see Santa. It's a secret."

  Cole nodded and gave her a silent 'oh' to let her know he understood.

  "What do you want for Christmas?"

  "What do you think I might want?" Cole raised an eyebrow, intrigued by how his daughter would answer.

  "I dunno. Can I have Gramma take me shopping for you when we get to the cabin?"

  "I'm sure she'd like to take you out shopping." They moved ahead once again.

  When Kaity turned her attention back to Santa, she opened her eyes wide. They were next. "Can we make sugar cookies too?"

  Cole was tickled that Kaity couldn't take her gaze from the large man in the red suit.

  "We can do whatever you want to, sweetheart. Within reason, of course."

  She smiled and began swinging their joined hands back and forth.

  "You're next," one of Santa's helpers said.

  Kaity shifted in front of Cole, letting go of his hand and slowly making her way toward Santa. She climbed onto the man's lap and waved Cole over to them.

  Cole hurried to her. "Something wrong, Kaity?" He squatted in front of them.

  "No. I want you to tell Santa what you want for Christmas too, Daddy."

  Cole stood. "You go first. I need to think of what I could possibly want him to bring me this year."

  She turned to Santa and bit at her bottom lip.

  "Your name is Kaity, I take it," Santa said.

  She nodded. "My name is Kaitlyn and that's my daddy, Cole."

  Santa glanced at the two of them with a big smile.

  "You can call me Kaity, though."

  Santa nodded. "And what would you like me to bring you for Christmas, Kaity?"

  "Well, I don't want you to bring me anything for myself really," she said as she wrung her hands in her lap.

  Santa gasped in obvious surprise. He smiled at Kaity and chuckled in that way that only Santa could. "If you don't want anything for yourself, what would you like?"

  Kaity gazed at Cole then down at her lap. "I want my daddy to find someone to love. He's been so sad since my mommy went to Heaven. That's all I want for Christmas, Santa." The last part came out as a whisper.

  Cole swallowed around the lump in his throat as he gazed lovingly at his daughter. He wiped his eyes as she peered up at him.

  "I don't know if I can bring that for your daddy, but I'll try my best."

  "Thank you," Kaity said softly.

  "You're welcome, dear." Santa turned to Cole. "Would you like to be in the picture too?"

  Cole nodded and squatted in front of them.

  "Say 'reindeer'," the photographer said in a cheery voice.

  "Reindeer," the three of them said.

  Cole stood and watched Kaity slide from Santa's lap.

  "Merry Christmas, Kaity," Santa said. "You have one charming little girl there, son."

  Cole beamed with pride, observing his daughter while she made her way over to the photographer. "Thanks. Merry Christmas, Santa."

  "Merry Christmas."

  Cole joined Kaity who was admiring their picture. "Daddy, look." She held it up for him to see.

  "You are so pretty." Cole paid for the photograph and took Kaity's hand in his as they walked away. "So, what do you want to shop for first?"

  "My sled." Kaity's eyes twinkled and her voice rose an octave or two in her excitement.

  "Then the sled, it is." Cole grinned as they headed down to the sporting goods store.

  Chapter Four

  Cole walked into the local florist shop. He inhaled deeply of the floral scent permeating the air as he always did when he visited. Something about the fragrance relaxed him, even if the reason he was there didn't. He stopped in front of the counter and smiled at the owner, an older woman with round glasses that sat low on the bridge of her nose. She wiped her hands on the apron tied at her waist.

  "Morning, Cole. What can I get for ya today?" She was genial as she pushed her glasses up.

  Cole examined a few of the flowers. "Hey, Bree. Uh, I'd like a bouquet of Black Magic roses and calla lilies, please."

  She nodded and grabbed handfuls of both flowers from the large walk-in refrigerators behind her. "Going to the cemetery today?"

  "Yeah. Kaity and I are going out of town tomorrow, so I wanted to make sure Kelsi has her Christmas flowers before we leave."

  Bree began arranging the flowers neatly. "How is Kaity?"

  "She's doing fine. Excited about Christmas and seeing her grandparents."

  Bree tied a black velvet ribbon around the bouquet and set it on the counter. "Thirty-four fifty," she said.

  Cole pulled two twenties from his wallet and handed them over. "Keep the change." He picked up the flowers and headed for the door. "Merry Christmas."

  "You too, Cole. Tell Kaity I said Merry Christmas to her as well."

  Cole nodded and held up the flowers. He walked out and got into his car.

  * * * *

  Cole slowly strolled through the rows of headstones. He always had a deep sadness when he came to visit his wife. It was as if he'd lost half of himself when she died. She was the best thing that had happened in his life, until Kaity came along. His heart broke every time he thought about how she would never see her little girl grow up to be a woman.

  The closer he got to her grave, Cole could feel his chest tightening painfully and tears beginning to form in his eyes. Every visit was the same, no matter how long it had been since Kelsi was lost.

  He stopped in front of her grave and delicately wiped a few dead leaves from the top of the black granite marker. Dropping to his knees, he sighed. "Hey, Kelsi. I brought you your Christmas flowers. Black Magic roses and calla lilies. The same bouquet you got every Christmas when we were together." He set the flowers down on the grass at the base of the headstone. "Kaity and I are heading up to Tahoe this year. My mom thought a change of scenery was in order. I can't lie and say that I'm not looking forward to getting out of the city, but I'll miss being here as well." He sat back, crossed his legs, and rested his elbows on his thighs with his head in his hands. "I took Kaity to see Santa yesterday. I thought she was gonna ask for Barbies or some kind of
doll, but instead, you know what she asked Santa for? She asked him to bring me someone to love." He sniffled a little and wiped his nose. "I want that so badly, but I find myself comparing every woman I meet to you and, of course, no one measures up."

  He was quiet for a few moments.

  "I miss you, Kelsi. I always wonder if I am doing things right with Kaity, if it would be the way you would have done things. She's only five now and already I'm worried about when she becomes a teenager and needs her mother. How can I fill in?" The pain in his chest increased. He wanted to hit someone or something until the hurt went away. He wanted his life to be like it was when Kelsi was still alive. The more he thought of what Kaity would miss out on not having her mother there, he felt an almost unbearable hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach. "I have to go, but I promise I'll bring Kaity with me the next time." He stood and kissed his fingers and then pressed them against the cold stone. "I love you, Kelsi." He slowly walked back through the rows to his car, allowing his grief to overtake him and his tears to fall freely.

  Chapter Five

  Cole tossed clothes haphazardly from his closet and dresser into the suitcase lying open on his bed. He was concentrating so intently on what he was doing that after grabbing some socks from his dresser, Cole turned back to the suitcase and jumped at the sight of his clothing moving. He chuckled at the sight."Kerouac, get out of there." He was amused as he pulled some of his things out and the dog stood.

  The dog peeked up at him, tail wagging happily.

  "You're coming with us, but not in my luggage." He scratched behind the dog's ears.

  Kerouac jumped from the suitcase and curled up next to it, resting his head on his paws and observing his master with dark brown eyes.

  Kaity stood in the doorway with a frown on her face.

  "Hey, sweetheart. You all packed?" Cole asked.

  Kaity shook her head.

  "What's the problem?"

  "I don't have enough room in my suitcase for everything I wanna take," she said with a pout that Cole couldn't help but smile at.

  "Let's see if I can help you fit everything in there, yeah?"

  Kaity nodded and turned to go into her room.

  Cole followed and laughed when he saw her suitcase overflowing with stuffed animals of every kind. Clearing his throat when Kaity gave him an incredulous look, he grabbed the stuffed lion from the top of the pile. "You don't really need to take them all with you. We're only gonna be gone for a week and a half, Kaity."

  "I know, Daddy, but I don't want any of my dolls to be lonely while I'm gone."

  Cole sat on the edge of the bed. He began pulling the dolls and stuffed animals out of the suitcase. "I understand that, sweetheart, but if you take all of them, you won't have any room for your clothes. What are you going to wear?"

  Kaity's attitude was sincere as she prepared to answer. Cole raised an eyebrow. "You can put some of my clothes in your suitcase." Her bright green eyes showed a child's innocence, and although he couldn't argue with her logic, he wasn't about to have to pack her clothing in his bags so she could take all of her dolls.

  "I don't think so." He shook his head. "You're not gonna get away with this one. The dolls stay."

  Folding her arms across her chest, Kaity tried to give her dad the sorrowful puppy look she always did when trying to get her way.

  "It's not gonna work this time. The dolls stay." He placed the clothing they had chosen to take into the suitcase and closed it. "We need to get on the road." Cole stood and walked over to her, placing his hand on her cheek. "Pick two dolls to take with you that you don't need to pack."

  "Thank you, Daddy."

  Cole strode from the room, running his fingers through his hair and taking a deep breath.

  * * * *

  The driveway to the cabin had been cleared of snow by the time Cole pulled his car up to his parents' house in Tahoe. He glanced in his rearview at Kaity who was moving around in her seat pointing out all the things she thought were beautiful because they were covered with snow. Kerouac pressed his nose to the window and wagged his tail, hitting her in the face numerous times before she pushed him away.

  "We're here, Kerry. We're here!" Kaity said as her grandparents came out of the house.

  Cole shut the car off and almost immediately Kaity took off her seatbelt. She slid out of her booster and threw open the door, then bounded out and ran to her grandparents, followed closely by Kerouac. "Gramma, Gramma, Gramma!" she shouted as she jumped into her grandmother's arms. She gave her a tight hug and a sloppy kiss. "Grampa!" She let go of her grandmother and ran to the old man smiling brightly at her.

  Cole's mom walked over and embraced him. "How was the drive up?" she asked as she let him go.

  Cole shrugged and watched as Kaity grabbed handfuls of snow and tossed them into the air. "It was fine. We had the usual multiple stops for the bathroom, Kerouac, and just because. That's what took up so long to get here."

  His parents' cabin always held special memories for Cole. It sat up on a small hill away from the roads and had a fence around the property that, when he was a child, Cole would climb and jump off of pretending he was Superman. He hadn't been there since the last Christmas he'd spent with Kelsi. Although he was sad, he was determined to make his stay a good one. He was certain with Syd there, it would be.

  "Syd's not here yet?"

  His father shook his head. "Nope. Not yet. Do you know when he was leaving?" he asked as he hugged Cole.

  "No." Cole stepped out of his father's hug when Kaity tugged on the hem of his coat. "What, sweetheart?"

  "Can I get my sled out of the car and play?" she asked as she squinted against the afternoon sun.

  Cole nodded and walked over to the car. He opened the trunk with the remote on his key ring and grabbed the sled. He leaned to the side to see around the car as he held up the toy. "Here, Kaity."

  She ran over, took the sled, and ran away to play in the snow.

  Cole grabbed their suitcases then closed the trunk. He chuckled when he saw Kaity being pulled on the sled by Kerouac. The scene warmed him from within. Turning his attention to his parents, he followed them into the house and took their things up to their rooms before settling on the couch downstairs in front of the fireplace. He gazed out of the window at Kaity and Kerouac running after one another and at one point, Kaity attempting to make a snowman.

  "How are you doing?" his mother asked, handing him a mug of hot chocolate and sitting beside him.

  "I'm fine. Just thinking." He sipped his drink.

  "About Kelsi?"

  He nodded and turned to his mother. "Every year that passes, I see more and more of her in Kaity."

  His mother smiled. "But that's a good thing, Cole."

  "I know, but it also makes me miss her even more."

  "How's Kaity doing with all of this?"

  "Fine, I guess. I talked to Syd a couple days ago and he said she's doing fine in school. She's happy and well-adjusted, so I guess that's a good thing."

  His mother raised an eyebrow. "There's something else, isn't there?"

  Cole set his mug on the coffee table. "How'd you know?"

  "A mother can always tell."

  "Syd asked the kids to draw pictures of what Christmas means to them and she drew a picture of Kelsi as an angel watching over the three of us."

  "Aw, I think that's perfectly healthy. She seems like she's doing fine, Cole. Give yourself some credit. You're doing a wonderful job with her."

  The sound of a car horn blaring caught their attention. Cole turned and through the front window saw Syd pulling up to the house. Cole stood up and walked to the door.

  "Syd's here." He grabbed his coat from the arm of the couch, slipped it on, and went outside, gasping at the sudden rush of cold air hitting him. He made his way to the large SUV as Syd got out and Kaity ran over to him. Syd bent down and she encircled his neck securely.

  "How was your drive up, man?" Cole asked, laughing when Syd straightened up and Kaity
still clung to his neck.

  "Fine. I had to make a stop before I got on the road." Syd turned his attention to Kaity. "And what kind of mischief have you been getting into, little lady?"

  "I haven't been getting into mis-mis…," Kaity said, clearly frustrated that she couldn't pronounce the word. She blew her bangs up from her forehead. "I've been a good girl. Kerry has been bad."

  "Oh. He has, has he?" Syd set her on the ground and observed the dog chasing his tail.

  "Kaity, go on in the house and have Gramma get you some hot chocolate. I'm gonna help Syd bring his things in," Cole said.

  "Okay. Are you staying with us, Mr Kidwell?" Kaity turned and asked as she began making her way to the cabin.

  "Yup. And you can call me Syd when we're not in school." He smiled.

  "All right, Mr… um, Syd," she replied with a grin. Turning, she ran into the cabin and slammed the door.

  "The box wasn't too heavy, was it?" Cole asked as they went behind the SUV and Syd opened the rear door.

  "No, not at all. I just had a hell of a time finding where you put the damned thing."

  "Sorry, man. I completely forgot to tell you that."

  "Where are we gonna put this thing?"

  They both considered the box then turned their attention to the house.

  "We can sneak it into the garage. She never goes out there, so she'll never see it."

  "Sounds like a plan." Syd slipped his keys into his pocket and grabbed one end of the box. "I'll pull it out and you take the other end when it gets close enough, okay?"

  Cole nodded and Syd pulled the box forward. As soon as he was able, Cole held onto the other end and they hurried to the garage, where Cole set his end down for a moment and raised the door. He turned and held back a small laugh when he saw Syd had propped up the box and was leaning on it. "Box too heavy for you?"

  "Not at all, but why hold it if I can lean for a moment?" Syd waggled his eyebrows.

  Once he picked the box back up, they continued into the structure.